Another Great, Incredible, Tremendous, Very Good Cabinet Meeting

And Supercalifragilisticexpialidociously Unproductive

“And they gave us no credit during this last little, the great Big Beautiful Bill. I always use the word great. I add that to it because it really is what it is. There's never been anything like it actually.” — Donald Trump, 8 July 2025 Cabinet meeting.

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Hi there, DOGE.

If you are sincerely searching for government inefficiency, today’s newsletter is for you. I found a gathering of highly-paid government officials wasting American taxpayers’ money while doing nothing productive for the United States government. Nothing was decided at this gathering. Nothing new or profound was said. No one left the meeting with new knowledge or a new action to take. It was an elementary-school play, and the director was also the lead actor . In real life, he plays the part of class bully and kid who never shuts up, so this executive cosplay dragged on for almost two hours while accomplishing less than your average book club accomplishes in ten minutes.

I attempted an abridged transcript of the meeting, but much of its inefficiency lay in the long, senseless ramblings of the person who chaired the meeting. Even cut to the bone, the transcript was going to be the length of a novella. You don’t have that kind of time to waste, do you? No. You’re trying to be efficient. That’s why I am providing this descriptive summary.

As I am sure you have ascertained from the title, the meeting in question was Tuesday’s cabinet meeting at the White House, in which God was mentioned four times, Barack Obama six times, Joe Biden nine times, and Democrats twelve times. I mention these numbers because I know that, like Louisiana Senator John Kennedy and Education Secretary Linda McMahon, you sometimes have trouble with counting and math. Don’t worry, there will be no multiplication required. It would be unfair of me to confound you that way with what everyone knows is your Achilles’ heel, math-wise.

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Meeting Convenes

[Trump]: Thank you very much. We've had a tremendous six months, and we've had a tremendous two weeks, which now is I guess three weeks. From now on, three weeks will be called a tremendous two weeks. I look forward to watching the tremendous Karoline Leavitt explain that one. Karoline’s not tremendous like big, she’s just a very, very intelligent—some say almost as intelligent as me—person, and quite hot, frankly. No one has ever seen such a good-looking press secretary before. I hear she likes her men on the older side, and—so, that’s a plus. We have a tremendous group of people here that have done a great, unified, beautiful job.

[I made some of that up, DOGE, but not much. My other readers expect some attempts at humor. It is meant to be engaging, not inefficient.]

Trump, at this point, turns to Kristi Noem who “has done an incredible job” in Texas and was the first person Trump saw on television. While there, she worked with the “terrific” Governor Abbott.

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Kristi Noem

[Noem]: Thank you, Mr. President. I worked very hard to be the first person you saw on television, and it was a pleasure to work with Governor Abbott. He said the flash flood was just heartbreaking and not nearly as entertaining as watching families cough and sputter and flail when when get tangled in barbed wire in the Rio Grande.

I'm extremely grateful for God's hand in that whole situation because hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of people were saved. So, they're grateful for you, the best leader our country has ever seen. They came to me with tears in their eyes and told me that.

[Again, I have taken some liberties, but not many.]

Noem summary: She hugged a lot of people and she and Franklin Graham called in to pray with families for whom God had not intervened as He had for the families of the hundreds and hundreds and hundreds who were saved.

[Trump]: There's never been a wave like this outside of the breaking of a dam. This was almost a wave that ended up being 30 feet high, more actually. Now with a dam, you can understand it. But this approached almost with that speed. When you see a dam break, it's not a pretty sight, it wipes out everything. And this is the kind of thing that built up so fast and it's happened two or three times before over the years, but not to this extent. . . . We brought in a lot of helicopters from all over. We had a lot of helicopters. It was actually dangerous, a lot of helicopters up there.

[Nothing added to this, as I see it as a model of inefficiency and of everything Trump says. Now you see why the abridged transcript would have been as long as the Old Testament.]

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Tariff Time With Scott Bessent

Trump summary: Other countries pay tariffs, not American consumers. The money is coming in at “record levels” and “tremendous amounts.” Other countries charge us “tremendous tariffs.” Big money will come in on August 1st (the latest TACO-delayed deadline.)

Bessent summary: Tariffs bringing in hundreds of billions, and definitely not paid by American importers or consumers.

[Trump]: And they gave us no credit during this last little, the great Big Beautiful Bill. I always use the word great. I add that to it because it really is what it is. There's never been anything like it actually. And I want to thank all the Republicans that voted for it. And I want to scold the Democrats because they're voting for tax cuts. They're voting for no tax on tips, no tax on Social Security, no tax on overtime and many, many other things far more important than that: Great health care, good things in their economic development money, tremendous border money.

[No embellishment needed. You get the gist.]

Trump Summary: Russia, Russia, Russia. Laptop from Hell. Twenty-five million illegal immigrants, of which 11,888 are murderers. [Numbers, as usual, with no basis in reality.] Confuses asylum process with mental asylums.

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Operation Midnight Hammer

[Trump]: So Pete [Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth], do you want to tell them about our great military and how well we did with respect to the bombers and the B-2? We had the pilots here two days ago and they were incredible people.

[Hegseth ]: Yes, sir. Great pilots, sir. But the Fake News media has tried to make them sad. They have tried to say that the target was not completely obliterated, but it was. Unlike Joe Biden or the Fake News media, I know what it means to be obliterated. CNN should be telling these pilots, “Great Job, Slugger! You knocked it right out of the park. You obliterated it.” That’s not what they said, though, and that is destroying everyone’s morale. If they keep it up, these Fake News reporters will be Operation Midnight Hammered. You got that, CNN?! Obliterated! Hammered! . . . What the hell are you snickering about?

[Trump]: Never mind them, Pete. They’ll be raising their glasses to you over and over at the next White House Correspondent’s Dinner. I will see to it. You will be toasted all night long. You will be toasted like nobody has ever seen before.

[Ok. Took a few liberties there. Gotta keep you awake.]

Trump Summary: Brings up Jimmy Carter and the failed hostage rescue mission in Iran, then back to the perfect Operation Midnight Hammer. He grouses about CNN, says that B-2’s are stealth and very high up in the air, then moves on to dust and helicopters (back to the hostage-rescue mission without clear transition). China’s military parades are not impressive and “Barack Hussein Obama, if you haven't heard, did a terrible job.”

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Boring Burgum Part

[Trump]: Doug [Interior Secretary Doug Burgum], would you like to say something about energy?

Burgum Summary: Proves that he knows very little about energy. Says Trump policies have created lower gas prices and have “broken the back of inflation.”

[In October of 2024, the U.S. Energy Information Administration (eia.gov) predicted an average retail gas price of $3.20 per gallon in 2025. The current national average is $3.251 per gallon.]

[Trump]: We have no inflation. [The man is clueless.] “Green new scam” is perhaps the biggest scam ever, other than Russia, Russia, Russia. . . . We don’t need wind, wind, wind.

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Jeffrey Epstein

[Reporter]: Your memo and release yesterday on Jeffrey Epstein, it left some lingering mysteries. One of the biggest ones is whether he ever worked for an American or foreign intelligence agency? The former labor secretary who was Miami US Attorney Alex Acosta, he allegedly said that he did work for an intelligence agency. So could you resolve whether or not he did? And also, could you say why there was a minute missing from the jailhouse tape on the night of his death?

[Attorney General Pam Bondi]: Yeah, sure. If I could—

[Trump]: Are you still talking about Jeffrey Epstein? This guy's been talked about for years. You're asking -- we have Texas, we have this, we have all of the things and are people still talking about this guy, this creep? That is unbelievable. Do you want to waste the time? Do you feel like answering?

[Bondi]: I don't mind answering.

[Trump]: I mean, I can't believe you're asking a question on Epstein at a time like this, where we're having some of the greatest success and also tragedy with what happened in Texas. It just seems like a desecration, but you go ahead.

[The above is verbatim, DOGE. You may want to avoid bringing up Epstein with the President. He is very touchy about it, for some reason.]

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Final Two Thirds of Meeting

[I know, I know: How can we only be 2/3 of the way through? This is so inefficient! Don’t worry; this part is very compressed.]

Trump Summary:

• Chuck Schumer is an antisemitic Palestinian.

• Latitia James is a “stone-cold” crook, a “total” crook.

• Democratic nominee for NYC mayor is a communist.

• Eric Adams is great.

• Andrew Cuomo is good.

• Andrew Jackson was great and so was James Polk. “We call him President Polk. He was sort of a real estate guy.”

Long Discussion of Interior Decor (verbatim unless indicated otherwise)

[Trump]: So as president, you have the power, if I go into the State Department or Department of Commerce or Treasury, if I see anything that I like, I'm allowed to take it. Do you believe this? So I'm in Marco's—I see this gorgeous clock, grandfather clock and there it is. I said, Marco—he didn't know about this. I had to read him the rule and regulation. I said, “Marco, I love this clock, look at it, it's beautiful.” He said, “What clock?” I said, “The clock that's in the other room is incredible and nobody gets to see it there. A little more—I'd love to take that clock out and put it in the cabinet room.” He said, “No, are you serious?” I said, “Marco, I have the right to do it, Marco.” And he said, “All right, what the hell.” So, that's his contribution to the Cabinet Room. But by the way, it's an incredible clock and, you know, it's an important room.

Trump Summary: Lamps, medallions, beige paint, gold leaf in the corners.

[Trump]:You see that in the Oval Office, they've tried for years and years. Somebody could become very wealthy, but they've never found a paint that looks like gold. So, painting it is easy, but it won't look right. And the question is whether or not we should gold leaf it. Does any -- Linda, do you have an opinion?

[Education Secretary Linda McMahon]: I'd gold leaf it.

[Trump]: You like it the way—

[McMahon]: No, I'd gold leaf it.

[Trump]: You'd gold leaf it. Who would gold leaf it? Could I—raise your—how about would you gold leaf it?

Trump summary: McKinley was great. Tariffs are the answer to everything. And now back to decor and paintings. Tremendous paintings, like no one has ever seen before.

My summary: Well, DOGE friend, I think you can see the inefficiency here. Maybe if it was just Trump and Linda McMahon, and if she was the Secretary of Interior Design, this meeting would have accomplished something. Also, I believe that moving McMahon from the Department of Education to the Department of Interior Design would be a great move for the United States. It certainly couldn’t hurt efficiency.

I left out the Texas reporter thanking Trump for, among other things, the hugs his administration has handed out in Texas. Kristi Noem was practically glowing at that part, but I’ve heard the same was said of her after she shot her dog.